Things I Should Have Said

[220610.0145]

Has it crossed your mind it’s not a good idea to let a 6 year old shoot a gun?

Hmm, let’s THINK. He has anxiety and anger at THIS age. You say he has a low frustration level like his father. He once said that if he killed Aunt Kathy and Sam that I would have to move back with you two. SURE, OKAY. LET’S TEACH HIM HOW TO SHOOT A GUN.

[180610.1718]

I was so fucking close to saying this, I don’t know why I held it back.

I think I really am being selfish about wanting to know what’s going on. If I piss her off, she won’t talk to me. But this will all backfire on me anyway. Just like it always does. Because I’ll send her that letter about not talking about Gary around me and she’ll say, “But you act fine when I bring him up!” =o

I should have just looked her in the eye and said, “And you’re telling me this why?” Because I really don’t care. But I feel like I need to know because you don’t know WHAT THE FUCK you’re doing.

God, you’re so stupid. You have no fucking passion in you at all.

[180610.1715]

Just realized how many times and for how long I’ve been told to take care of her.

Oh, nurse, she needs my support about a bad decision SHE made? Oh, Nick, she needs me to take care of her? Oh, Nana, she needs me to help her because she’s stressed about the life SHE made for herself?

Oh, okay. Because she totally can’t step up and own her mistakes. And she can’t take care of herself or GOD FORBID LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF. And we all know she’s too STRESSED to actually be a decent mother and give me what I ACTUALLY need. But sure, let me vaccuum and do the dishes and the laundry and kiss her fucking feet. Because maybe, just maybe, this time it’ll make a difference.

FUCK. OFF. ALL OF YOU.

[290510.1104]

You expect me to believe you over myself?

Please, bitch. Your track record speaks for itself.

[290510.1000]

Please do not ask me to help you with your well-being when you have clearly shown that you are not truly interested in bettering it. It is always at the deteriment of my own mental health.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter

[280510.1221]

I keep crying over what I’m letting you do to me. Do you even care? Do you ever think about what I said, or did you just push it out of your mind?

[260510.1657]

The fact that you can’t do the right thing for him kills me. The fact that a part of me is still hanging on for closure from you infuriates me. You won’t acknowledge anything. Ever.

I don’t want a thank you for cleaning, for cooking, for watching him. I would appreciate a thank you for putting up with you, though. 

[260510.1652]

You lied to me. Again. If you’re ashamed of something and don’t want to be judged, don’t do it in the first place.

[260510.1651]

I hate you a little more every day. I don’t even know if I love you. It might just be pity.

[260510.1650]

I’m starting to believe you’re helpless.